3. Being Angry at God
Someone asked me if I am mad at God.
To be perfectly honest, the question caught me off guard. It never occurred to me that that was an option.
For the record, I am not mad at God. I don’t think He got up one day and said, “Hmmmmm, I’m gonna screw with Sheryll O’Brien and I’m gonna screw with her big time.”
Maybe it’s because I don’t think God is a punishing higher being. My belief is that He is benevolent. I am of the understanding that He created us in His image and He isn’t likely to want pain and suffering for His children. I believe He, the creator of the wonders of this universe, couldn’t possibly be responsible for unleashing this cancer crap on me. I believe He has way bigger and better things to be doing with His time. I believe He gave His loved ones the splendor of nature in all its glory so we could enjoy it – and He probably hopes to Hell we will protect it. I believe He gave us the capacity to love one another – and He’s probably waiting for us to get our shit together and reach beyond ourselves and love our neighbors, or the strangers who could be friends, if we allowed it.
I believe He knows I am facing challenges and I pray that He hears my request – that I am given no more than I can handle. If that ends up being a handful of months, or perhaps a year, then so be it. I believe He supports my decision to not torture myself when I’m told there is no more hope, I know He does not want me to suffer.
So, I guess what I’m saying is this, I will take the hand of God and trust that He will help me find my way through this mess, that He will hold me in his mercy because He accepts my faith in Him. And I believe my God is grateful that I chose to follow Him through my life and now toward my death.