11. Time
As God is my witness this happened. A few weeks before my doctor got my funky blood results that started him down the path of finding out what ‘might be’ going on inside me, my daughter, Jessica, and I were hanging out, just shooting the breeze. Out of the blue I asked, “Would you want to know the date and time you were going to die?” She blurted an emphatic, “Absolutely not.” She asked me the same question, I blurted an emphatic, “Absolutely yes.” We debated the pros and cons of our choices — each of us making a salient point here and there, but neither of us denting the other’s strongly-held positions. Jessica’s be-all-and-end-all was that knowing the date and time would be like having a death sentence hanging over her head. My position was that since death is the only certainty about life, we should know when it’s coming.
Now that I am nearing death, I am all the more committed to my position. Knowing my end is near, but not knowing exactly when it will arrive is driving me nuts. Suddenly, I am struggling with the concept of time. I find myself looking at the clock way more than I used to. I find myself counting seconds to see how close I get to the change of the digital numbers on the cable box.
The measurement of time — the quantity of it — the quality of it — and how to best fill it — is driving me crazy. Most especially, the heavy weight of time that falls in the middle of the night. I no longer know what the hell to do with it. I used to fill those hours with writing, or researching, or editing my newest novel. There will be no new novel, so I can’t escape into the pages of a book I should be writing.
So, out with Plan A and in with Plan B.
I have filled some of that time writing blogs, but this exercise occasionally pushes my emotional buttons, so at best, it kills a bit of time here and there.
As many of you know, I write mysteries. I love mysteries — but not this mystery. I don’t like being the main character in a book that could be titled, How Much Time Does She Have Left? (Shit, I wish I’d thought of that title when I was writing novels).
I digress. I do that a lot. You’ll see.
Back to my dilemma, the question of how much time I have leaves me not knowing how much living and loving I can squeeze in.
I don’t know how many morning cups of coffee I’ll enjoy with, or offers of tea I’ll refuse from Mr. Wonderful, or how many loving embraces I’ll get from my girls, or off to school waves I’ll get from my granddaughter.
I don’t know how many more visits my 86 year-old mother can make to my house when I should be traveling to hers.
I don’t know how many more heart-emoji texts my sister, Marjorie, will send, or how many more phone calls from Georgia my brother, Don, and sister-in-law, Denise will make, or how many ‘thinking of you’ texts I’ll receive from my niece, Nicole, or from relatives and friends — before my time runs out.
I don’t know how many unfinished things I’ll leave my wonderful publishing team to handle on my behalf. I already know I won’t be sending my editor, Andria Flores, any new manuscripts because I won’t be writing any more stories. When The Warden finishes Alva, the final story in my Pulling Threads series, she and I will be done with our working journey — not our friendship journey.
Much of my remaining work will fall onto the shoulders of my publisher, Nancy Pendleton, a bold Texan whom I refer to as The Goddess. Nancy locked step with Andria and me, and moved us toward the publication of 23 books in little more than a year’s time. A remarkable feat in the world of publishing. Nancy did it without breaking a sweat — although there was a glisten from time to time. And when it was time to introduce my works to the world, in stepped Jessica Champion, the gatherer of information and presenter of dreams and visions. If you want to know how talented Jessica is, just look at my website or my social media pages — they have The Guru’s imprint all over them.
I am beyond pleased and comforted knowing these women will continue our work until it comes to its eventual end.
As for me, my remaining time will be spent doing the most important things in my life.