15. Blessings Big and Small
Big blessing ……. I learned about my cancer. Granted I found out a bit late in the game, but whatever.
Happily, I was put on notice that I am on my final journey. For those who know me well, you know that my receiving this little tidbit of information is for the best. After all, I am a planner, an organizer, a doer. I manage my life to the nanosecond, and to varying degrees, I manage the lives of those around me. I make lists for everything — even make lists reminding myself that I have lists. So, I imagine I would have been r.e.a.l.l.y. pissed if I found myself dead one day leaving behind a basket of unfolded towels, or a half-written novel, or a half-eaten Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer.
I’m quite sure God knows about my obsessive compulsive disorder, and I suspect it weighed heavily into His decision to give me fair warning about my impending demise. I don’t question for one single second that He has the patience of a saint — probably has it in spades — but still, I think He figured a little preemptive work was in order. I imagine it this way: He’s sitting in his office dictating to a previously deceased stenographer.
Dear Sheryll,
You are cordially invited Home at a date to be disclosed. Use this gift of time wisely. Get your things in order and enjoy the pint of Truffle Kerfuffle in the freezer. BTW, no R.S.V.P. required, and please arrive on your best behavior and with your mouth shut!
Love, God
Not likely I know, but it could happen — I’m referring to the ‘shut the mouth’ part, BTW.
Since I was given a preemptive warning about my death, I went about tending to things that would have resulted in a fitful eternal rest. As it turns out, most are soooo mundane.
Case in point. If I’d died suddenly, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to personally hand off the bills to Tim, and to set him straight, “No, I don’t write checks anymore. I pay over the phone or online. Good Lord, drag your ass to the future, ‘cause it’s here.” And I wouldn’t have had time to hand off the tax prep work I do every year, or had time to review our Last Will and Testament, or find my birth certificate, or our marriage license, or all of the other documents he will need to prove I was me, and he was my significant everything.
If I’d died suddenly, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to choose cremation, and insist that I don’t want a wake or a funeral — that I want a gathering at a funeral parlor where people can come and hang out and offer support to my loved ones, and listen to the cool priest present my case for eternal life in Heaven. (I sure do hope Father Dude is tight with the Big Guy, and hasn’t done anything to piss Him off).
If I’d died suddenly, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to write a book for Hadley — to put a lifetime of grandmotherly advice between the covers of a 75 page book. Then again, I wouldn’t have had gut-wrenching time to grieve the things that I won’t be here to share with her. And to ache in places I didn’t know existed. It breaks my heart that she will be profoundly sad when she no longer finds her MammyGrams’ wide open arms ready for the hug that she’ll need — the hug only I can give — but won’t be here to give.
Even though this time is hard, I am grateful when I see the sun come up over the McTigue’s house, as I have for the past 30+ years. And when I hear Hadley’s knock upon my door for her daily breakfast trip, and her announcements: it’s Mashup Monday (hash and applesauce), it’s Toast Tuesday (one slice of peanut butter and one slice of cinnamon), it’s Whatever Wacky Wednesday (whatever her heart desires), it’s Eclectic Thursday (peanut butter crackers, fruit salad, and a cookie), it’s Fancy Friday (scrambled cheesy-egg and a side of bacon).
My having time to really enjoy the things that could have slipped by without my appreciating them is a really BIG BLESSING.